Inside my head

It’s a scary place, but allow me to give you a peek.

I have a hard time speaking up in discussions.  And it takes shape in some curious dichotomies . . .

For example, I greatly fear sounding stupid.  On the other hand, I don’t want to sound esoteric (wait -esoteric sounds esoteric – let’s say “know-it-all”), or feel too proud of what I have contributed.

I also hesitate in the selfish self-consciousness of avoiding sounding self-centered.  How’s that for neurotic?

I am reminded of a friend who I thought should join the choir since she could sing the alto part so strongly, but she declined because she couldn’t get up there without it feeling like a performance and not worship.  She knew herself well enough to not let herself fall into that trap.  I didn’t understand it then (this was many years ago – maybe I was a teenager?) and I probably fall into that trap myself sometimes when I sing in church, even from the pew.  Maybe that’s why I still get horrible nerves – the nerves get better the more I focus on worship and the more I pray to let it be about God.

Today in Bible study this morning it may have taken me awhile to warm up because I was still busy beating myself up for wrecking everything and always making the wrong decision (hello black and white thinking) because I thought I would drive around a bit beforehand, Elliot would sleep and then nurse in the car before we went in.  Well he didn’t sleep, and he didn’t nurse much in the car (not really surprising really – he is easily distracted), and then he was up with me for most of Bible study because he is a clingy little man.  But at least he’s cute!

Anyways, I’m trying to get over myself because I love the fellowship I’ve been having at this Bible study and I want to get to know these people better!

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